Screaming Praises.

First things first; yes, I totally "re-decorated" my blog, and yes, I changed the name of it, too. Now that that's out of the way, let's get down to business. To defeat the Huns.


I've been listening to a lot of Levi the Poet lately, and he sparked my interest in writing poetry again. (If you've never heard of him, listen here. You won't regret it, I promise.) But not boring poetry like Shakespeare. (Sorry if you're a fan of Shakespeare...I just find him rather dull.) Slam poetry is the bomb.com. It's raw and full of emotion; there's a realness to it that you don't really find in your standard stanza. And it doesn't even have to rhyme. (That's my favorite part.)

So I thought I'd share with you a piece I just pounded out, myself. It's slightly lengthy, but it pretty much explains everything I've been burying in my heart for quite some time. Of course, it sounds better when spoken, and maybe I'll make a video for it later, lol yeah right I'm terrified of speaking in front of people, but I thought it would be somewhat nice to actually have it written down somewhere. So. Here you go.
______________________________________________________________________________

Screaming Praises


You know, it's hard to understand something when you've never experienced it yourself.
Yet they continue to write you off as a freak, because of your scars,
they think that you're weak.
But I'm seeing you as you really are, darlin'.
I see past your smiling face, your eyes aren't lying.
And for one small second, for one brief moment...I could see
your soul was hurting.
But I'm not supposed to know that, am I?
You gotta put on your mask so people don't ask
about how you think you're less than deserving
Or how you're wearing long sleeves in the suffocating heat of the summer
when you know perfectly well that it's tank top weather.

You're sitting center aisle Sunday morning, listening to them
preach about a God who loves the unloving
But you're silently screaming HOW COULD HE LOVE ME?
I'M THE WORST OF THESE, I'M NOTHING
And you hear them singing praises, but
you can't bring yourself to even raise your head,
so ashamed of the shell you've become.
Every Sunday it's the same, going through the motions never felt
as comfortable as it does today.
"Yeah, this is all fine and well," you say
"But when I get home I've got a date with a razor blade."
This artificiality is more than you can handle right now
and it's getting harder and harder to keep up the charade.

Sweetheart, I know where you're at, I've been there myself
It's draining, I know, to bottle up these emotions
and place them on a shelf to deal with another day.
But that day comes sooner than you think,
You get blindsided by someone faster than you can blink
Asking, "What'd you do to your arm? You alright?"
And you feel like ripping off your sleeve and screaming,
I'M NOT OKAY, IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED
TO SEE? YOU PREPARED FOR THIS SIGHT?
LOOK AT WHAT SOCIETY IS DOING TO ME.


And you're sitting alone on your bed, praying to God
to get you out of this mess.
The razor's in hand and you're ready to slice open your
emotions, not caring about the consequence.
Your heart's screaming, DO IT, JUST DO IT.
YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP
And you rip open your skin, and with a bandage you wrap it;
crying and telling yourself that you'll never do it again.

And the numbness goes away and the pain kicks in.
The physical pain is somewhat bearable, you've grown
immune to it, but
that emotional hurricane just explodes out of you and tears
you to shreds, and you're screaming
COME ON, GOD! WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF?
WHY AREN'T YOU HERE WITH ME NOW? I NEED YOUR
HELP.
And you fall to your knees as the sobs wrack your
body and you can't help but feel like you don't have anybody.

Darlin, let me tell you something someone once told me
when I was doing a little soul-searching at a time
where I felt like nothing.

God loves you.

You're His baby, His angel,
and He thinks you're lovely.
And His heart is hurting every time you run that ice cold blade
against your skin.
And His heart is hurting every time you stick your finger
down your throat so you can be thin.
And his heart is hurting when you take that sip to drown
out the lies.
And His heart is hurting when you feel like pulling the trigger
and closing your eyes...forever.

He's gonna carry you through this, I know He will
And you're gonna come out of this stronger and more beautiful than before and
you'll be screaming his praises. Even if it's barely audible, He knows you're singing...
...Praise God, from whom all blessings flow;
...Praise Him, all creatures here below;
...Praise Him above, ye heavenly host;
...Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost...
...amen,
...amen,
...amen,
...amen.

The Beginning. Nervosa.

Heeeey-a! It's a-me! Maaario! Just kidding. It's Marisa. (I can't believe you fell for that one...)

Anyways. I'm back again. I know I've already thrown Showbread at you guys, but hear me out. This one is REALLY. REALLY. good. So you'll want to pay attention to this one. c:

I recently began writing again. I wrote a little something a couple nights ago, and shared it with a few friends. They all loved it, and my one friend said it reminded him of the Anorexia/Nervosa stories Josh Dies wrote to accompany Showbread's albums with the same names. I'd already heard some songs off of those albums, but I decided to look up some of the songs I hadn't heard. Boy, am I stoked I did.

Everyone was saying that I had to listen to the end track off of Nervosa, called "The Beginning." WOAH MAN. It's so. so. so. powerful. It talks about a lot of the stuff I've been feeling lately.

"I once had prayers that found no words, fragile things I've never spoken
Through my lips passed eulogies for all the oaths that I have broken
And still the ghost of hope was haunting, through the dark to save the living
And still beneath it all I dreamt that God could be forgiving"

Wow. Just wow. That's powerful enough by itself. BUT HOLD ON HERE. They went and ripped my heart out with the next part. Do you guys remember the old hymn, "When I Survey the Wondrous Cross?" Yeah. They threw THAT in there. And quite beautifully, I might add. :3 And in between the verses of THAT, they put THIS in;

I am the worst of all things here
My crooked, black, and lying heart still spits its bitter fear
And each and every sparrow
They flutter to the ground before they die
So please God don't forget me

''I have been with you all along, you have not noticed me.'
She now felt more ashamed than ever before.
'Why would you still care enough to save me
even after seeing the horrible things I have done?
Why do you remain here even now?' she asked, sobbing.
'Because, here is where you are,' the Lamb said softly,
'And I long to be with you."

GAH. JUST. JUST UGH. THAT'S THE GOSPEL. That's the Gospel in it's most beautiful, miraculous, and raw form. Josh Dies (Joshua S. Porter) has such a beautiful gift for writing and music, and he really touched my heart with this one, folks.

It got me thinking. Do we really get the story of Christ? I mean really get it? All of our lives, we've been digging ourselves deeper and deeper in our holes, desperately searching for the meaning of humanity and theology and any other number of things. We've convinced ourselves that by doing so, we're safely tucked into our own little worlds where everything is as it should be, and that nothing needs to change. We get in this pattern of self-gratification, tricking our hearts into believing that if we do enough good things, or if we're good enough of a person, we can earn our way into Heaven.

WRONG-O.

The only way we're EVER getting into Heaven is through the blood and the sacrifice of the Lamb. No other way. None. Zip. Nada. Zilch. Don't you get it?

IN ORDER FOR OUR DEBT TO BE PAID, OUR SLATE HAD TO BE WIPED CLEAN BY THE ONLY PERFECT BEING IN EXISTENCE. And He did it. He was beaten, he was tortured, but he didn't say a word. Like a lamb taken to be slaughtered, and like a sheep being sheared, he took it all in silence. Justice miscarried, and he was led off--and did anyone really know what was happening? He died without a thought for his own welfare, beaten bloody for the sins of my people. They buried him with the wicked, threw him in a grave with a rich man, even though he'd never hurt a soul or said one word that wasn't true.

That's from Isaiah 53:7-9 (The Message), in case anyone cares. 

What a beautiful love story our Creator has written about us. It's incomprehensible sometimes; for me, at least. The Lamb was slaughtered because of us. US. That's powerful. That's love. That's real, raw love.

And that's only The Beginning. (See what I did there?? ;D) Our love story has just begun. We still get to spend eternity with our Lamb. He longs to be with us. And I don't know about you, but I long to be with Him, too.

Here's the link to the video, plus the lyrics.

Showbread - The Beginning (Nervosa)

I used to dream that I could fly
Just above the whispered clouds, beneath the somber sky
I had a dream I was alive
I dreamt that love would never die, goodbye
Dreams were cheap and hope was easy (so light)
The forgeries of life deceiving (so bright)
And as I glided to the ground (so long)
Calcified, the concrete weighed me down (cruel world)

Your wings are holding up the sky
Dear God, I had dreamt that I could fly

Alkaline the burning frost, has blistered deep beneath my bones
And winter spat its hatred, cold and coiled, black and deep
As it called me ever further, where evil burns and never sleeps
I once had prayers that found no words, fragile things I've never spoken
Through my lips passed eulogies for all the oaths that I have broken
And still the ghost of hope was haunting, through the dark to save the living
And still beneath it all I dreamt that God could be forgiving

Your wings are holding up the sky
Dear God, I dreamt that I could fly

When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of glory died
My richest gain I count but loss
And pour contempt on all my pride

I am the worst of all things here
My crooked, black, and lying heart still spits its bitter fear
And each and every sparrow
They flutter to the ground before they die
So please God don't forget me

''I have been with you all along, you have not noticed me.'
She now felt more ashamed than ever before.
'Why would you still care enough to save me
even after seeing the horrible things I have done?
Why do you remain here even now?' she asked, sobbing.
'Because, here is where you are,' the Lamb said softly,
'And I long to be with you.''

See from His head, His hands, His feet
Sorrow and love flow mingled down
Did e'er such love and sorrow meet
Or thorns compose so rich a crown?
To Christ, who won for sinners' grace
By bitter grief and anguish sore
Be praise from all the ransomed race
Forever and forevermore

There's No Ship Like a Friendship, Man...

Hey guys. I'm having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Too bad my name's not Alexander. HAR HAR HAR. But seriously, folks. I feel compelled to write about something that's been on my heart for a couple of years now. And unfortunately, I have first-hand experience dealing with the subject.


Today, kids, I'm going to talk about friendship. But not just any friendship; REAL friendship. It's hard to know if you really have those, these days.  So what does it mean to be a real friend? The definition varies from person to person. But for me personally, the requirements are set in stone. Lemme share a few of those requirements with you...


NUMERAL UNO: Show No Faves! 
A real friend doesn't show favoritism.



Alright, I know all of you have fallen victim to this at one time or another. I know I have. Somehow you find yourself in a sticky situation that looks something like this; *you and BFF hanging out* *a wild mutual friend appears!* *BFF ignores you the whole time mutual friend is there* *it's super effective!*
Please tell me someone got my reference...lol ANYWAYS. For reals, guys. It's gonna happen to you at some point in your life, unfortunately. But it shouldn't! Favoritism is NOT what a real friend should be playing. In 1 Timothy 5:21 it says, "I charge you in the sight of God and Jesus Christ and the elect angels, to keep these instructions without penalty, and to do nothing out of favoritism." Well. Can't get plainer than THAT...but yes. Show no faves.


NUMERAL DOS: Gotta Be Real!
A fake friend is NOT a real friend.


Ho boy. Yet another thing I have personal experience dealing with. Okay so. Being fake with someone else is not okay. Especially when you pretend that you're not talking about them behind their back. It's not fun to be the person who you're talking about. Believe me, it causes nothing but drama. And having to hear from someone else that you're talking about them behind their back is WORSE. In fact, in Proverbs 16:28 it says, "A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends." YA HEAR THAT, Y'ALL?? A GOSSIP SEPARATES CLOSE FRIENDS. True story.
Being fake is pretty much hypocrisy. For those of you who don't know what that is, lemme break it down for ya.

hy·poc·ri·sy

   [hi-pok-ruh-see] 

noun, plural -sies.

1.

a pretense of having a virtuous character, moral or religious beliefs or principles, etc., that one does not really possess.

So ya see? Being fake means that you're one kind of person with certain people (virtuous, or goodie-two-shoes) and another kid of person with other people (gossiper, liar, ect.). You gotta be real.


NUMERAL TRES: Luv Me, Man!
A real friend always has your back.


This one is tough for me, because for a little over 2 years now, I've been finding out who really has my back and who doesn't...and there were FAR more people who didn't have it. Ever since my family left NCC, my friends have been dropping like flies. Of course, I still have true blue friends till the end, but I'm sad to say that there's only a handful of them. Don't get me wrong; I'm eternally grateful for those friends. They're my homies, yo (Sorry, didn't mean to get all street on you, there...). Nevertheless, I've had to deal with my share of fair-weather-friends.
BUT. The love that I'm getting from my real friends make it all worth it. In Proverbs 17:17 it says, "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity." A friend loves at all times, huh? Huh. Interesting. At ALL times. Not just when things are peachy keen jelly bean. They love you in the tough times. They love you when you have nothing left. They love you when you think things can't get any worse. They love you at your best, despite seeing you at your worst. They love you with everything they have in them. They're your brotha from anotha motha. (Or sista from anotha mista. Same diff.) They luv you, man!


So. Those are my criteria for a REAL friend. Hopefully I didn't bore you,, and hopefully I let you in on the true meaning of being a real friend. Pick 'em wisely, my lovelies. You become the company you keep. 

True Beauty

Hey guys! I know I haven't blogged in practically forever, so sorry. :b This post's mainly for the ladies, but if you guys wanna keep reading, then go for it!

Since the last time I blogged, I've really felt God gardening my heart. He's been ripping up all the weeds and junk in there and throwing them out. By now you probably know that I have a heart for those who are hurting, and I feel that God is really hinting at me to write something in particular to those who are struggling with self-image. So here we go! C:

Okay so, it's not a secret that pretty much everyone goes through times where they aren't confident in themselves; particularly girls. I've been one of those girls. Growing up, I was always heavier that I liked to be. As I first started my teenage years, I began to even out a little. At that time, I was still in the whole "if-I'm-not-skinny-then-I'm-not-pretty" phase. And I believed it with all my heart. I'd look at my friends and think, "Why can't I be skinny like them? They're more beautiful than I'll ever be." They were all confident in their bikinis while I was uncomfortable in my tankini. I grew to hate my body, despite everyone telling me that I looked fine. Funny how that works, huh?

I've only just recently discovered what it really means to posses beauty; you don't have to be a Size 0 to be beautiful, girlies! It's not about the exterior...when you allow the love of Christ to radiate from your soul, THAT'S when you really shine!

And I know that sounds cliche. But oh well. It's true.

I've been digging around my Bible lately, and I discovered a few gems where it talks about what it means to be beautiful. In 1 Peter 3:3-9 it says that our beauty shouldn't come from outward appearances, but from having a gentle spirit. Now, I know that sounds like it's saying that we should all toss out our makeup and not care at all about what we look like, but trust me, that's not what it's saying. Of course we gotta make sure to take care of ourselves and look our best, but that's not the main focus here, people. True beauty begins inside.

Alsoooooo, in 1 Timothy 2:8-10, it talks about how women shouldn't be drawing attention to themselves by the way they dress. And before you go all nutzo crazy on me, lemme just say one thing. It is NOT unscriptural for girls to want to be attractive. It's nice to feel lovely and pretty! Paul's just saying that us girls shouldn't only be concerned with getting attention over the way we look. Modesty and decency are the key words here, man. Having beauty on the inside is waaaaaay more attractive than any amount of cosmetics you can cake on. A well-decorated exterior is fake and unrealistic unless the true inner beauty shines through.

ONCE AGAIN. Not saying that lookin good is a sin. Cause it's not. Everybody wants to look good! I know I do! But you gotta know how to rock it in the right way; the Godly way! :D

Here's an example. Which girl would most people find more attractive?

• Girl A: tight, barely-there clothes, 500439278 lbs. of makeup on her face, walks around like she owns the world, and is generally not a very pleasant person.
• Girl B: wears clothes that actually cover her body, reasonable amount of makeup, quick to say kind things about others, and has a humble, gentle, and sweet spirit.

I don't know about you, but I think I'd rather hang out with Girl B. :b

Now. Every girl is beautiful in their own way. And not everyone looks the same, so it's not fair to yourself to compare the way you look with someone else. God obviously made you the way you are for a reason! And He thinks you're pretty great; just the way you are.

SO LADIES. Don't be stressin' about lookin' perfect. Cause that's not what really counts. Work on having a beautiful heart, and your outer beauty will be sure to follow. C:

Love and Rockets,
Marisa

I'm Lost.

Wow it's been a long time. Sorry. :s I'm just gonna jump right in here....

OKAY SO. There's this band that I love. Showbread. Over the years, they've been rejected by the Christians for being "too controversial," and rejected by the mainstream artists for "putting too much Jesus" in their songs. I think all of that is a crock of malarkey. They're completely unique, and unlike anything I've ever heard. For those of you who aren't into the raw rock scene, you probably wouldn't like them. Their lead singer, Josh Dies (Joshua S. Porter) is covered in tattoos and piercings, has long black hair, writes poetry and paints, and is known for having unpopular opinions. But he is one of the most hardcore Christians I've ever seen.

I forgot all about Showbread up until a couple days ago. I used to really like them, and I have no idea why I stopped listening to them. In any event, I looked up a bunch of their songs online, and I listened to the lyrics before I watched any music videos. When first listened to, most people would write them off as just another screamo band. Oh ho ho, are they wrong-o. You really have to dig deep in order to understand their lyrics, and they make you think and figure them out. Most of their songs definitely have a shock factor to them, and at first you might think, "Oh my gosh! This is a Christian band??" But once you actually use your brain and discover the true meaning behind the lyrics, you're more likely to think, "Oh wow. This is quite possibly the most genius thing I've ever heard." Well. At least that's what I think. ;)

One (well, it's really two combined into one) song in particular caught my attention. "I'm Lost/Nothing Matters Anymore" is the first and second tracks on their album, The Fear of God. It starts out with a haunting intro, and heavy vocals.

"Lord, here I am
I’m lost, I can’t find my way
Like Adam and Judas before me
I’ve gone astray
Life is endlessly brief
And we languish in death throes within her
And I have no fight left in me
Have mercy on me Lord, a sinner"

THEN. The guitar and bass kick you in the face and leave you begging for more. lol.
BUT YES. One of my favorite parts of the song is the chorus;

"No fear, no doubt, I’ve bottomed out, I’ve lost myself, I’m letting go
No pride, no me, I’ve set them free, I’ve lost my mind and now I know
No pain, no death, they’re put to rest, we leave them here, we close the door
No earth, no man, now take my hand, cause nothing matters anymore"

I really thought about that for a little while. I mean, I felt like somebody *cough cough God cough cough* was screaming something at me. Like, I need to let go of some stuff that's been holding me down lately. I'm not gonna say what, but it's been crushing my relationship with God. A lot...a LOT a lot. It's like He's sayin, "Yo. Marisa. I see whatcha doin there. That's not cool, yo. Leave all that crap behind and just let it all gooooo."

Okay maybe not exactly like that. But pretty close.

I'm not sure why, but there's this weird thing with me where whenever I feel the Holy Spirit, I get goosebumps reeeeeeeally bad. Like, I get shivers down my spine and the hair on my arms stand up and stuff like that. Even when I'm hot. It's super weird, but awesome at the same time. Anyways, there's this part of the song that when I listen to it, I get goosebumps like nobody's business, and I just have to sit there and close my eyes my breath gets really shallow...and I can feel Him. It's only with that one part of the song;

"And when the trumpets call us home and I’m no longer bedded by pain
Our tears will be forever dried, for the author of life knows my name
So we trample the hoards of the pointless and blank
We will die for the truth in our hearts
No force that exists will tear us from His hands
Nothing will tear us apart"

HE KNOWS MY NAME, YALL. He knows my name. Me. Lil old Marisa over here. What? That's just...um, wow. That's hard for me to grasp. The Author of Life knows my name. Goosebumps.

Even though most of you don't really like screamo (you know who you are), most of the song is sung, not screamed. If you don't want to listen to it (which I strongly reccomend you DO...here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ukVIpa8kNjw ), at least read the lyrics;

"Lord, here I am
I’m lost, I can’t find my way
Like Adam and Judas before me
I’ve gone astray
Life is endlessly brief
And we languish in death throes within her
And I have no fight left in me
Have mercy on me Lord, a sinner

After all of this we’ve been dismissed by those who prefer to eat dirt
We’ve been gladly exempt, we are racked with contempt
And we happily wish you this hurt
My skull is on fire with barbs and black spires
My synapses shriek in the flames
Yet we reel with desire though chocked by coarse wire
Loosed by our raging disdain

I’m gone, God help me, I’m done, I’m done
Nothing can stop me, I’m done, I’m done

No fear, no doubt, I’ve bottomed out, I’ve lost myself, I’m letting go
No pride, no me, I’ve set them free, I’ve lost my mind and now I know
No pain, no death, they’re put to rest, we leave them here, we close the door
No earth, no man, now take my hand, cause nothing matters...

Oh, the stage that we soil, the plans that we foil, the joke that we play on the world
And you drown in the oil, all wrapped up in the coils
And crushed under the stones that you’ve hurled
Still we march through the tombs, through the darkness and gloom
And we shatter the columns of bone
And the world she breaks for the lives that she takes
She weeps as she dies all alone

No fear, no doubt, I’ve bottomed out, I’ve lost myself, I’m letting go
No pride, no me, I’ve set them free, I’ve lost my mind and now I know
No pain, no death, they’re put to rest, we leave them here, we close the door
No earth, no man, now take my hand, cause nothing matters anymore

The world is a husk to be peeled back and torn
My body a shell that now breaks
How I long to escape from the chains that I’ve worn
And hasten my greatest escape
And when I breathe my very last, don’t shed a tear for me
Discard the body that once was my prison, for I’ll have been set free

And when the trumpets call us home and I’m no longer bedded by pain
Our tears will be forever dried, for the author of life knows my name
So we trample the hoards of the pointless and blank
We will die for the truth in our hearts
No force that exists will tear us from His hands
Nothing will tear us apart

Though the mirror is dull, the reflection obscured
We look beyond the obtuse
And the world weighs down, beating us to the ground
But her efforts are of little use
The Anointed One has purchased our souls
Death is battered and lifeless before me
The truth rains down for the children of Christ
And the truth has set us free
And through it all we rise when we fall
Though the road grows more narrow before me
Though we ache, though we cry, never break, never die
The one truth there it sets us free"

There Is Hope :)

Hey kids. S'been a while. :3

About a year and a half ago, I saw Bradley Hathaway at Purple Door 09. Thought he was brilliant, forgot about him. Until about a week ago.

You see, I was feeling kinda lonely and sad and helpless, and I reached out to my friends to cheer me up (they never fail to do so, either lol <3 ). My friend Cindy posted The Hug Poem by Mr. Hathaway on my Facebook wall, and it sorta kinda turned my insides out. In the best way possible. Go listen to it. Right now. It's AMAZING. Oh goodness, I digress. lol :b

Anyways. I listened to that for a week straight, and tonight I decided to listen to more of his works. Best decision ever? I think so. x) I stumbled upon one particular piece that ripped my heart apart..."There Is Hope."

My heart kicked itself into overdrive once the piano started dancing its way out of my speakers and violins started groaning their melencholy cry...and as the words poured fourth into my listening ears, I felt them tug on my heart. It beat faster and faster until...those first tears slipped from my eyes and I realized that...I need some saving. We all dig ourselves deeper and deeper into these repeatative ruts and we just can't seem to find a way out; sometimes we don't want a way out. It's at the bottom of our pit of dispair that we realize that we've royally messed things up, and that we CAN'T do this by ourselves. But you know what?

WE DON'T HAVE TO.

We don't have to take on the burden of fixing our broken hearts single-handedly. We don't have to worry about finding a way to make up for all the times we screwed up big time. We don't have to let our past linger and claw at and plauge our minds anymore. And we don't have to do this by ourselves. Why?

CAUSE IT'S ALREADY BEEN DONE.

It's already been taken care of, kids! WE'RE taken care of! We've already been washed and been made an entirely new person...all because a man, not just any man, THE man, decided that He loved us. He loved us enough to endure the beatings and the floggings and the ridicule and the excruciating pain so that WE have a shot of spending forever with Him. And you know what? We need that kind of love. Cause our world today sure isn't supplying it.

Let me ask you something. When was the last time you felt the kind of self-inflicted distress that only comes when you know that you've let yourself slip...? It eats away at your SOUL, it takes over your LIFE, and it destroys your HEART. It's man-made. It's wordly. It's hell, isn't it? We need someone to get us out of there. We HAVE someone to get us out of there. And you know what?

HE'D DO IT ALL AGAIN.

Cause He loves you. Did you hear me?? HE LOVES YOU. You; the one with the broken soul. You; the one who screws up on a daily basis. You; the one who time and time again denies His name and makes a mockery of it. You; the one He died for.

That's love, folks. That's real love.
And just keep Holding On. Cause There Is Hope. <3


There Is Hope by Bradley Hathaway

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jbwr-aqtT5g

"There is a heart of such distress that I carry in this chest please reach out and caress in your pillowesque manner.

Front and center right here and right now I'm throwing in the towel I've committed too many fowls I've flown south.

My sprits turning sour I can't go through another hour, me my precious pretty pink petite flower that blooms in the night and leave me in the dark by your moonlight no more fight. I never fought anywhere so I thawed and now I'm here on these knees distraught.

Crying out to you pretty please, pretty please take this disease turning these insides brown my smile turns to frown and my breathe smells like death.

Because I am dead to light and a light is something I don't know that you would have me feel but this is for real and I need you right now, I need you right now.

So seal the deal with your stamp of regeneration and grow me up into a new creation taken from a tree and plucked from a vine, if it's my time to shine then shine your light on me so that everyone hurting can see that there is hope, hope in the seemingly endless valley full of rotten fruit left behind from previous troops that are now in your mountains drinking directly from your fountains, save me a spot I will be there sooner than not, I'm picking up the pace and slowly starting to trot."

 

You're Not Alone

Okay, so. I've decided that i might as well blog about songs that are amazingly inspirational to me and how they relate to my blog topic, because that's basically what my previous blogs have been about. :b Today's winner; You're Not Alone by Saosin. <3

Even though I just discovered this song today, apparently it's been around for quite some time (how it got past me, I'll NEVER know...), and it's unbelievably amazing. I sat on my bed for a solid hour and bawled my eyes out, just listening to it. I wish I had heard this song about a year and a half ago; maybe then I wouldn't be dealing with all this regret that's crowded in my heart or these ugly scars on my wrist. I can't even begin to describe the emotions that flooded through me when I first heard this song. It was like someone whispered to me everything my soul was wanting to hear for the past year and a half...oh goodness, here come the waterworks (sorry)... Wow. I can't remember the last time I cried this much! :b I hate crying, it makes me feel so dumb...but that's just it. I shouldn't be afraid to cry. That's what got me where I was before. Well, THAT and the imbalance of my serotonin levels...

This past weekend, I was at a Bible study at my good friend's house. We watched To Save a Life (I had watched it before), and paused the movie every once in a while to discuss our thoughts about what was going on in the movie. When it came to the part where one of the main characters, Jake, was telling his youth minister his regrets about not being a better friend to Roger, a 17 year old who killed himself in school, we paused the movie and shared our thoughts. I felt a STRONG tug on my  heart to say something, but I shoved it back down, not wanting everyone there to think I was stupid. Almost everyone's general feeling on the topic was that there is no reason that you should ever feel so depressed that you would want to kill yourself; suicide was a sin and was unacceptable, and that things are never really that bad if you have God. I could feel the tears of anger welling up inside of me, but I said nothing. I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. Their lack of knowledge about depression shocked and upset me to the point where I had to excuse myself and broke down in the bathroom. I sat there on that bathroom floor thinking, "I guess I'm going to hell because I wanted to kill myself all those times. I guess I'm going to hell because I was trapped in my own body and wanted to so desperately escape. I guess I'm going to hell because I couldn't just automatically balance my serotonin levels in my brain and "just cheer up." I guess I'm going to hell because I felt that the only way to feel something was to carve up my wrist. I can't go back out there and face everybody knowing that that's how they feel. I just can't!" So I sat on that bathroom floor and sobbed.

Later, when I got home, I didn't know if I was strong enough to make it through the night without "relieving" my pain. I was literally two seconds away from getting up and finding something to do it with, when my friend, the same one whose house I had just come from, messaged me wanting to make sure I was okay. We skyped for a long, long time, just making each other laugh. She saved me from myself that night. God works in mysterious ways, kids.

My depression has been ever so slightly creeping up on me lately, much to my dismay, and I've been trying to ignore it. Didn't quite turn out so well the LAST time I did that. The morning after the Bible study, my mother and I had a long talk about what happened, and she reaffirmed that I WASN'T crazy, and I WASN'T a bad person for thinking and feeling all those things a year and a half ago. I have an AMAZING relationship with God, and I STILL have depression. Even though having that relationship is a solid thing to fall back on, depression a physical thing, not a spiritual thing. I can't just "be happy" any more than a cancer patient can just "stop being sick." I was seriously starting to doubt whether or not I was getting through to people that depression is a disease, not a personality trait. I was ready to give up.

But then today, out of the blue, another one of my good friends sent me the video for You're Not Alone by Saosin, just to let me know that they were thinking about me. And here we are. I've realized that God's obviously trying to get my attention, especially after listening to the lyrics, so I'm thinking that I should just Hold On, because He's not done with me just yet! :] <3

Everyone, seriously...listen to these powerful words;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tj0PtMZaWss

That's just like him
To wander off in the evergreen park
Slowly searching
For any sign of the ones he used to love
He says hes got nothing left to live for
(He says hes got nothing left)
And this time I think you'll know

You're not alone
There is more to this I know
You can make it out
You will live to tell

She's just like him
Spoiled rotten, confused by the lies shes been fed
Shes searching for no one (but herself)
Her eyes turn to green and she seems to be happy that she is here
And this time I think you'll know
You're not alone
There is more to this I know
You can make it out
You will live to tell

You're not alone
There is more to this i know
You can make it out

(there is more to this)

We're not alone
There is more to this i know
you can make it out
you will live to tell

(so tell me)

You're not alone
There is more to this i know
You can make it out
You will live to tell

You're not alone
You're not, your not alone

Hello Hurricane :)

Shama llama ding dong. Sup kids? :{D

SO. I've been listening to Switchfoot over and over for like the past week. I have their Hello Hurricane album on repeat hahahaha. Can you blame me? Jon Foreman is stinkin amazing! :] His voice is to raw and raspy...I love it! And I know the band itself is a secular band, but the members are practicing Christians. They pretty much make my life happy. :D

Alright. Getting to the point of this blog...I've been listening to the title track most of all this week. It basically says that no matter what this life throws at us, nothing will ever take away our love for each other or for God; "Hello Hurricane, you're not enough. Hello Hurricane, you can't silence my love. I've got doors and windows boarded up; all your dead end fury's not enough. You can't silence my love." S'got me thinking...

How many times do we really admit to ourselves that we're not as "in control" as we'd like to be? I know personally, I like to control what's going on around me. Especially when it comes to my relationships; any relationships. Whether it's with my parents, my friends, or anybody else, I like to keep things tucked away in me so they don't get to completely see everything I am. That's something I need to work on.

I guess the world today is like a hurricane. It's big, scary, and devastating. But, if you know just the right place to stand, everything is peaceful, at least for a little while. We can't let this world intimidate us and tell us what's right or what's wrong; we already know what's right and wrong according to the Bible. Our love today sometimes seems to be choked out by this monster storm of a world we live in, but we can't let it! Nothing should silence our love! If we stick to our guns and prepare for that stormy weather that's a-brewin, nothing will be able to shake us.

Gah. I just love this song! It just gets me so excited; it makes me want to scream to the world, "NOTHING YOU CAN DO WILL EVER SILENCE MY LOVE!!!!!" Just keep Holding On, and you'll get through the hurricanes of life, I promise. :]

Here's the lyrics, just in case you'd love to know lol;

I've been watching the skies
They've been turning blood red
Not a doubt in my mind anymore
There's a storm up ahead

Hello hurricane, you're not enough
Hello hurricane, you can't silence my love
I've got doors and windows boarded up
All your dead end fury is not enough
You can't silence my love, my love

Every thing I have I count as loss
Everything I have is stripped away
Before I started building I counted up these costs
There's nothing left for you to take away

Hello hurricane, you're not enough
Hello hurricane, you can't silence my love
I've got doors and windows boarded up
All your dead end fury is not enough
You can't silence my love, yeah my love

I'm a fighter fighting for control
I'm a fighter fighting for my soul
Everything inside of me surrenders
You can't silence my love
You can't silence my love, yeah

Hello hurricane, you're not enough
Hello hurricane, you can't silence my love
I've got doors and windows boarded up
All your dead end fury is not enough
You can't silence my love

Yeah, I said hello hurricane <3

Hope For the Future :)

La dee la dee doo. :3 Hello, all.

Alright, so, apparently this blogging thing is something that I'm kind of good at, so I'm going to give it another shot. :]

Late last week I found out I'm going to New York City this June to work with Hope For the Future Ministries. It will be my third time doing mission work with them, as well as my second mission trip with my sisters and fourth with my daddy! SUPER EXCITED! :D haha. Every time I go on a mission trip, it feels like it's my very first time...nothing excites me more than actually living out my faith! Working with the homeless and the less fortunate holds an extra special place in my heart; seeing how grateful they are for everything they have just tugs at my heart, but sharing the love of Jesus with them makes my heart burst with joy. :]

I remember the first time I went to NYC on a mission trip...I had just finished my freshman year in highschool, and I was super duper excited to a.) finally go to New York!! b.) work with the homeless, and c.) get to know my youth group a little better. Boy, was I in for a shock. Nothing could ever prepare you for the overwhelming sense of comradery throughout the homeless community...it was amazing. God did things that week that we thought were impossible, but, once again He proved that NOTHING is impossible with Him.

Last year was my second time going, and it was just as wonderful as the first, although bittersweet. It was the last trip the youth group took before our youth minister moved to Ohio, so we cherished that week even more. Helping Pastor Dianne Dunne (she runs Hope For the Future Ministries, and is an AMAZINGLY AWESOME woman of God) and learning from her was one of the most amazing expierences I've ever had, and I'm totally looking forward to doing it again this summer! :]

A while ago, HFFM was torched by arsenists, completely destroying everything in the warehouse, so we spent the majority of the trip last year doing as much as we could to somewhat get things moving in a positive direction. The guys (and even some of us girls!) put up drywall and painted inside, while the rest of us scrubbed crates and cooked the meals we were going to serve the homeless in the evenings. I wouldn't trade those memories for the world. <3

Serving the homeless in New York City is QUITE an experience, let me tell you. One of the most memorible times that week was when we set up in Tompkins Square Park, and had "church without walls;" a service we put together for the homeless community. Some girls from the youth group lead worship, and everybody shook tambourienes and rain sticks, people were dancing and singing and praising God everywhere; even people who were walking through the park stopped for a minute or two to see what was going on! After the worship portion, my father preached to the people. It. Was. Powerful. You could hear a pin drop; the intensity of the people listening and the looks of genuine interest in what my father had to say was overwhelming. Afterwards, we handed out food and supplies, and the bonding that took place between me, the youth group, Pastor Dianne, and the homeless that week will ALWAYS be something I hold dear in my heart.

WELL. I feel like I typed a stinkin novel, so I suppose I'll leave you with these final words; God can use you no matter who you are, even a little 15 or 16  or 17 year old girl from Pittsburgh. He gives us Hope For the Future (see what I did there?? lol) to continue spreading his love to those who need it the most...even the homeless and the less fortunate. So just Hold On, He's got a plan for you. :]

Hold On :)

Well, this is my very first blog. Yay me! I feel I must explain myself a bit. :3

A very good friend of mine (who happens to be an amazing Christian) and I were discussing depression earlier today, and how it relates to Godly matters. Having depression myself, I never saw how the two connected. Slowly, over the past year and a half or so, I've begun to realize that they DON'T connect. In fact, they're perfect opposites!

Depression is a disease. Those who suffer from it aren't always "emo" or "moody." I know many people with depression who lead normal and healthy lives. But unfortunately, I know a lot MORE people with depression who find it difficult to function in everyday life. I know what they're going through. I was there.

I've always been a Christian, and nothing I've done or will do in the future can change that. But, a little while back, I'll admit I did have some doubts. My family was going through an extremely difficult time, and on top of me being diagnosed with depression and anxiety, I was NOT in a good place; mentally, physically, emotionally, or spiritually. There were many, many times when I just wanted to give up; and I almost did. Four times. I had a big empty hole in my heart, and nothing could fill it; not guys, not cutting, not friends, not even my family. I was so far gone, I thought nothing could ever bring me back.

This story has a happy ending (trust me!), but for now, I'm going to shift my focus a bit, kay? Kay. As I sat here on my bed, listening to my iPod and trying to think of something REMOTELY interesting to talk about, two songs played right after one another, and they kinda tugged at my heart.
The first was "Your Love is a Song" by Switchfoot, one of my absolute favorite bands. I've been in a depressed kind of mood lately, and the first verse spelled out what I was feeling; "I hear you breathing in, another day begins. The stars are falling out, my dreams are fading now, fading out." But then, the chorus knocked the wind out of me; "Ooo Your love is a symphony all around me, running through me. Ooo Your love is a melody underneath me, running to me..."
As I sat there in awestruck wonder, I felt God kind of plant an idea in my overcrowded brain. Depression doesn't have to overwhelm you; God surounds you no matter what! I chewed on that thought for the rest of the song, but I shoved it to the back of my mind. After all, it was just a fleeting thought.

But then.....BAM! The second song came on; "Hold On" by Abandon. Let me give you a little taste of the lyrics..."She sits alone and wonders, when is the end of broken dreams?
'This isn’t what I pictured,' she says as tears run down her cheeks. She needs a friend beside her, she's looking for a Savior. Hold on, hold on...someone will find you. Hold on, hold on...somebody loves you." Wow. For the first time in a long time, I felt like God was trying to get my attention. It was like he was saying, "Yoo hoo! Marisa! Over here! Remember me? I never left your side...why are you so distant from me? Get back over here!" Now, I know that's not exactly what He was saying, but you get the point.

BACK TO THE LITTLE OLD STORY. Depression was (and still is) not a fun thing to live through. At all. Some people think that people choose to be depressed, and that they can just stop whenever they want to. Wrong-o. Believe me, if I could just turn off my depression, I would in a heartbeat! It's a scary thing to live in overwhelming darkness; especially if you're on your own. Three months of therapy later, I was on my way to getting my life back together. It was hard, and I would NEVER wish that kind of pain and hardship on anyone, but I did it. And here I am today, typing up a blog that nobody will probably ever read. Hahaha.
But seriously, I've come such a long way from the past couple of years; I couldn't have done it without my amazing friends, family, and most importantly, God. I know I could have taken the easy way out so many times, but I didn't. Something held me back. Every time I see the ugly scars on my wrist, I'm reminded of that dark, scary place I was in. But, I'm also reminded that I never have to go there again. This time, I have God in my corner, and depression doesn't even stand a chance.

SO. After reading my ridiculously long and boring blog, I hope you took at least one thing out of it; Hold On. It gets better, believe me. As long as you have God on your side, you can do anything; even beat depression. I'm living proof. :]