Even though I just discovered this song today, apparently it's been around for quite some time (how it got past me, I'll NEVER know...), and it's unbelievably amazing. I sat on my bed for a solid hour and bawled my eyes out, just listening to it. I wish I had heard this song about a year and a half ago; maybe then I wouldn't be dealing with all this regret that's crowded in my heart or these ugly scars on my wrist. I can't even begin to describe the emotions that flooded through me when I first heard this song. It was like someone whispered to me everything my soul was wanting to hear for the past year and a half...oh goodness, here come the waterworks (sorry)... Wow. I can't remember the last time I cried this much! :b I hate crying, it makes me feel so dumb...but that's just it. I shouldn't be afraid to cry. That's what got me where I was before. Well, THAT and the imbalance of my serotonin levels...
This past weekend, I was at a Bible study at my good friend's house. We watched To Save a Life (I had watched it before), and paused the movie every once in a while to discuss our thoughts about what was going on in the movie. When it came to the part where one of the main characters, Jake, was telling his youth minister his regrets about not being a better friend to Roger, a 17 year old who killed himself in school, we paused the movie and shared our thoughts. I felt a STRONG tug on my heart to say something, but I shoved it back down, not wanting everyone there to think I was stupid. Almost everyone's general feeling on the topic was that there is no reason that you should ever feel so depressed that you would want to kill yourself; suicide was a sin and was unacceptable, and that things are never really that bad if you have God. I could feel the tears of anger welling up inside of me, but I said nothing. I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. Their lack of knowledge about depression shocked and upset me to the point where I had to excuse myself and broke down in the bathroom. I sat there on that bathroom floor thinking, "I guess I'm going to hell because I wanted to kill myself all those times. I guess I'm going to hell because I was trapped in my own body and wanted to so desperately escape. I guess I'm going to hell because I couldn't just automatically balance my serotonin levels in my brain and "just cheer up." I guess I'm going to hell because I felt that the only way to feel something was to carve up my wrist. I can't go back out there and face everybody knowing that that's how they feel. I just can't!" So I sat on that bathroom floor and sobbed.
Later, when I got home, I didn't know if I was strong enough to make it through the night without "relieving" my pain. I was literally two seconds away from getting up and finding something to do it with, when my friend, the same one whose house I had just come from, messaged me wanting to make sure I was okay. We skyped for a long, long time, just making each other laugh. She saved me from myself that night. God works in mysterious ways, kids.
My depression has been ever so slightly creeping up on me lately, much to my dismay, and I've been trying to ignore it. Didn't quite turn out so well the LAST time I did that. The morning after the Bible study, my mother and I had a long talk about what happened, and she reaffirmed that I WASN'T crazy, and I WASN'T a bad person for thinking and feeling all those things a year and a half ago. I have an AMAZING relationship with God, and I STILL have depression. Even though having that relationship is a solid thing to fall back on, depression a physical thing, not a spiritual thing. I can't just "be happy" any more than a cancer patient can just "stop being sick." I was seriously starting to doubt whether or not I was getting through to people that depression is a disease, not a personality trait. I was ready to give up.
But then today, out of the blue, another one of my good friends sent me the video for You're Not Alone by Saosin, just to let me know that they were thinking about me. And here we are. I've realized that God's obviously trying to get my attention, especially after listening to the lyrics, so I'm thinking that I should just Hold On, because He's not done with me just yet! :] <3
Everyone, seriously...listen to these powerful words;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tj0PtMZaWss
That's just like him
To wander off in the evergreen park
Slowly searching
For any sign of the ones he used to love
He says hes got nothing left to live for
(He says hes got nothing left)
And this time I think you'll know
You're not alone
There is more to this I know
You can make it out
You will live to tell
She's just like him
Spoiled rotten, confused by the lies shes been fed
Shes searching for no one (but herself)
Her eyes turn to green and she seems to be happy that she is here
And this time I think you'll know
You're not alone
There is more to this I know
You can make it out
You will live to tell
You're not alone
There is more to this i know
You can make it out
(there is more to this)
We're not alone
There is more to this i know
you can make it out
you will live to tell
(so tell me)
You're not alone
There is more to this i know
You can make it out
You will live to tell
You're not alone
You're not, your not alone
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