Hold On :)

Well, this is my very first blog. Yay me! I feel I must explain myself a bit. :3

A very good friend of mine (who happens to be an amazing Christian) and I were discussing depression earlier today, and how it relates to Godly matters. Having depression myself, I never saw how the two connected. Slowly, over the past year and a half or so, I've begun to realize that they DON'T connect. In fact, they're perfect opposites!

Depression is a disease. Those who suffer from it aren't always "emo" or "moody." I know many people with depression who lead normal and healthy lives. But unfortunately, I know a lot MORE people with depression who find it difficult to function in everyday life. I know what they're going through. I was there.

I've always been a Christian, and nothing I've done or will do in the future can change that. But, a little while back, I'll admit I did have some doubts. My family was going through an extremely difficult time, and on top of me being diagnosed with depression and anxiety, I was NOT in a good place; mentally, physically, emotionally, or spiritually. There were many, many times when I just wanted to give up; and I almost did. Four times. I had a big empty hole in my heart, and nothing could fill it; not guys, not cutting, not friends, not even my family. I was so far gone, I thought nothing could ever bring me back.

This story has a happy ending (trust me!), but for now, I'm going to shift my focus a bit, kay? Kay. As I sat here on my bed, listening to my iPod and trying to think of something REMOTELY interesting to talk about, two songs played right after one another, and they kinda tugged at my heart.
The first was "Your Love is a Song" by Switchfoot, one of my absolute favorite bands. I've been in a depressed kind of mood lately, and the first verse spelled out what I was feeling; "I hear you breathing in, another day begins. The stars are falling out, my dreams are fading now, fading out." But then, the chorus knocked the wind out of me; "Ooo Your love is a symphony all around me, running through me. Ooo Your love is a melody underneath me, running to me..."
As I sat there in awestruck wonder, I felt God kind of plant an idea in my overcrowded brain. Depression doesn't have to overwhelm you; God surounds you no matter what! I chewed on that thought for the rest of the song, but I shoved it to the back of my mind. After all, it was just a fleeting thought.

But then.....BAM! The second song came on; "Hold On" by Abandon. Let me give you a little taste of the lyrics..."She sits alone and wonders, when is the end of broken dreams?
'This isn’t what I pictured,' she says as tears run down her cheeks. She needs a friend beside her, she's looking for a Savior. Hold on, hold on...someone will find you. Hold on, hold on...somebody loves you." Wow. For the first time in a long time, I felt like God was trying to get my attention. It was like he was saying, "Yoo hoo! Marisa! Over here! Remember me? I never left your side...why are you so distant from me? Get back over here!" Now, I know that's not exactly what He was saying, but you get the point.

BACK TO THE LITTLE OLD STORY. Depression was (and still is) not a fun thing to live through. At all. Some people think that people choose to be depressed, and that they can just stop whenever they want to. Wrong-o. Believe me, if I could just turn off my depression, I would in a heartbeat! It's a scary thing to live in overwhelming darkness; especially if you're on your own. Three months of therapy later, I was on my way to getting my life back together. It was hard, and I would NEVER wish that kind of pain and hardship on anyone, but I did it. And here I am today, typing up a blog that nobody will probably ever read. Hahaha.
But seriously, I've come such a long way from the past couple of years; I couldn't have done it without my amazing friends, family, and most importantly, God. I know I could have taken the easy way out so many times, but I didn't. Something held me back. Every time I see the ugly scars on my wrist, I'm reminded of that dark, scary place I was in. But, I'm also reminded that I never have to go there again. This time, I have God in my corner, and depression doesn't even stand a chance.

SO. After reading my ridiculously long and boring blog, I hope you took at least one thing out of it; Hold On. It gets better, believe me. As long as you have God on your side, you can do anything; even beat depression. I'm living proof. :]